When Will I Learn?

I have a confession. 

I still, on occassion, have a bit of a bad attitude about having a toddler in my life.  These times are growing further and further apart but it does rear it's ugly head.

For instance, sometime people will say to me:
I'm sure you could never imagine your life without Liam in it.  And I will reply that, actually I still remember the good ole days of freedom and spontenaity.  Last minute plans, activities in the afternoon during naptime....those days are gone.

Mostly, I've adjusted.  Of course....this is my life, it would be immature to still be in a funk about how 'my plan' for my life didn't go according to my blueprint.  It's not about ME anyhow.

But like I said, there are times when I say things that perhaps I should not.  Just this past week I was talking with a new staff member and she was asking my children's ages and then just kind of moved the conversation to a place about how having this third surprise baby was challenging, frustrating etc.  I felt bad afterwards as I hoped I hadn't given the impression that I didn't love my Liam.

Anyhow, last night I had a dream about Liam.  I dreamed that we had put him up for adoption when I found out we were expecting.  The adoption process was very long and finally when he was three years old (present day) it was time for him to go to his new home.  And it was the family across the street!  The feeling of loss and terror and agony as they took him away was so fierce that when I woke up I was just SO relieved it was just a dream. 

I believe that God gave me this dream to give me a bit of a smack upside the head.

I also believe that God has given us a few close calls with Liam to show me again and Again and AGAIN that yes, I love him and yes he was brought to our family for a good purpose.  Mostly, I think to keep me from being selfish.  I've always thought that my two worst attributes were selfishness and impatience.  Keith was brought to my life to teach me patience and Liam for my selfishness.  Of course I could be completely off the mark here but I've thought about this a lot.

Needless to say, there are many other things I need to work on in my life and I don't even know where I am going with my thoughts here but be thankful for the unplanned or difficult things that come your way.  They will change you and hopefully for the better.

The end.